Melancholic Happiness

"Sometimes, you don't know why you're in that situation...tempting as it is to brag about how good you are than the person standing in front of you..then again, Jesus was NEVER arrogant in his ministry. All powerful that he was, not one instance did he use what he had for his own humanly intentions."

Just a couple of weeks back...I was so high filled with HIM...now, its seems I've succombed to my humanly weaknesses. I gave in to temptation. But I'm never giving up that easily. I know I'm never alone, and never will I be abandoned. With YOU by my side. Salvation is here.

Finally, after a traumatizing 5-7 days of "fever", colds, nausea and an asthma attack I'm starting to get well with constant bed rest and medications. Thanks to the prayers and get well txts. Honestly I don't know where to start. At one time I was statin' "di ko alam ang sasabhin ko sayo...just that bakit mo pinayagang mangyaring ang mga toh s buhay ko...gusto ko munang lumayo sayo...ayaw ko munang mgusap tayo"...the next thing I know, as soon as I got home I was coughing like a horse and all. wow, then after 24 hours, I had fever followed by colds short after. why?! why did you allow all this?...the answer was in the priest's sermon "minsan kelangan pa tayong masaktan, magkasakit, or kuhanan ng bagay ng mahalaga para lng malaman nating may mas nakatataas,,,na may D'yos" How nostalgic those words were echoing in my ears as I look up to him on the altar saying. You still are almighty. (continuation...)

Melancholy ; a gloomy state of mind,depression; affected with, characterized by, or showing melancholy. Mournful, depressed,  sadness.

Happy; delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person

Happy...'am I?...the irony of happiness mixed with melancholy. Years back when I was coming up with a catchy title to this journal of mine I had a hard time setting the mood. I was basing from my feelings at that time. Life was chaotic, confusing...a lot of bitterness. At one point I though it came to and end when she came into the picture... I was wrong. It was just the start of another painful chapter in my life. "why do we sacrifice?" "why do we need to get hurt?" "why can't you be mine?" so many questions clouding my frail thoughts. 

Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all. No one ever cares to listen anyway. I tend to get too emotional. But still, I am here. little by little, drifting away once again.

Thank you, to the one person who never fails to see through my pail drama. You never get tired of reading through this bloody journal. Sometimes I think, you'll get to proofread my posts next time. (smile)

I guess all along I never got to let go...sad...pathetic truth.

Sometimes I tend to misjudge things, like someone's looks, first impression...attitude towards others. Personally yes, *yawn* well I've got pretty much nothing to write about. it's 4am and just scarfin' for ideas on what I could possibly blog out. It seems im having an interest for someone I never expected or naturally never entertained the thought of ever, and yet here I'am. Someone sent me a quote the other day stating "one of these days you'll find yourself falling for someone whom you always saw as just a normal person" and lo and behold. hahaha, I pretty much think about her as my "ate" haha but guess fate tend to be playful sometimes. More about her as time goes by. Hopefully I'd be lucky enough to actually get noticed. haha. 

funny title? right...hehehe yep its been a while since my last post. I'm not really sure what to write about 'xcept that fact that 3 mo's of bumming out is pretty much 'nuf to turn anyone into a living breathing fungus. huh? not making sense yep. hahaha. sometimes I just couldn't get the fact of having to sacrifice yet end up miserable...seeing how the one you love is so much happy but you don't see yourself in the picture. emo-ish yes. but true. Just then it hit me. "to die is to give someone life" pretty stupid yeah probably. but there's more to it than just plain words. I understand that when i get this feeling of emptiness and little by little i die inside, in turn i give her a little bit of happiness that makes her live through the sacrifices I do. When you give something whether a simple thing or a few coins to beggars, we think of "excess" we give out what we have in excess of, thinking it would suffice. "giving isn't giving not till it hurts...you have to FEEL what you give for it to matter" wow, t's like im preaching to my own choir, but then again. its the truth, not fact or fiction. 

 "If only you could hear me shout your name if only you could feel my love again, the stars in the sky will never be the same...if only you were here"