Melancholic Happiness
Things have changed, Time is of the essence. Yet the past remains un-moved, intact & painful
Melancholic Happiness
It's when you sit down, trying to think of those memories that linger about floating in your mind,...mistakes you've done in the past...regrets...wanting to have the ability to turn back time and talk to those people whom hurt you have done. But most of all...wanting to meet you earlier in my lifetime and get to know you better...to make you the ONLY one...
So I was ranting about a couple of days ago of unpleasant stuff here and there...the need to blog during the wee hours in the morning...not to mention the need to practice typing again (I need to work on my WPM right TON? lolz)
I wanted to have my prayer/scripture time in front of the computer for a change...the thing is I wanted to avoid being distracted too much by the icons and my wallpaper of ezio from assassin's creed 2...the solution? (was listening to CFC's only by grace album) I googled for a picture of a garden...that's it! I saw this great (though it wasn't really perfect) picture of a garden with trees and all...set it to full screen...(after removing the watermark of the publisher) and slowly drifted away to his presence. I was moved by the readings from yesterday and today (yes I was late on my scripture reading) and saw how timely it was to my current situation.
Just when we sometimes think of going the easy exit, God shows us his arms, wide open ready to embrace us...his continued pursuance...his kind words whispering "son, I am here for you". Time and time again, I'm reaffirmed by HIM that I'm perfectly where I'am right now. That "it's okay...I'm with you". It's pretty embarrassing to really go into detail about everything...but yes I was at that point once more when I wanted to let go...and was ready to give in to my inner demons.
But God knew better, and was very timely with his enlightenment and well in the words of my dear friend, HE has his ways. A simple text message at around 12:20am broke my heart...and reminded me that I was no longer for MYSELF alone, I had people behind me...looking unto me to lead them. After reading the scriptures from yesterday I was brought back to the days of the "retreat" last week. He reminded me how great it was to completely surrender oneself, the feeling of helplessness of lack of sleep and strength but still being able to go on. That feeling in the morning worship his words coming out of my mouth as we raised our hands in awe amidst the morning warmth of his love. I cannot sum everything up in words, nor expect everyone to understand. But at that moment, I saw myself walking through the garden picture, happy...smiling and with HIM beside me. I felt a chill through my back...at that moment. I was moved, no longer feeling that resentment when I woke up this morning.
God has his ways, and truly he is a GREAT GOD...I went on ahead with the day's reading speaking of friends. How very timely as well...to this I have my "Friends" to thank...especially the one whom sat across me at mcdo last evening..listening to my sentiments...God sends us little angels in the form of friends, that as per the reading we should also look after in our journey towards him. I ended my prayer by saying "continue to steer my life" as I have always said, my way got me nowhere...and I know God's way is the only way :)
To God be the glory.
"Sometimes, you don't know why you're in that situation...tempting as it is to brag about how good you are than the person standing in front of you..then again, Jesus was NEVER arrogant in his ministry. All powerful that he was, not one instance did he use what he had for his own humanly intentions."
Just a couple of weeks back...I was so high filled with HIM...now, its seems I've succombed to my humanly weaknesses. I gave in to temptation. But I'm never giving up that easily. I know I'm never alone, and never will I be abandoned. With YOU by my side. Salvation is here.
Finally, after a traumatizing 5-7 days of "fever", colds, nausea and an asthma attack I'm starting to get well with constant bed rest and medications. Thanks to the prayers and get well txts. Honestly I don't know where to start. At one time I was statin' "di ko alam ang sasabhin ko sayo...just that bakit mo pinayagang mangyaring ang mga toh s buhay ko...gusto ko munang lumayo sayo...ayaw ko munang mgusap tayo"...the next thing I know, as soon as I got home I was coughing like a horse and all. wow, then after 24 hours, I had fever followed by colds short after. why?! why did you allow all this?...the answer was in the priest's sermon "minsan kelangan pa tayong masaktan, magkasakit, or kuhanan ng bagay ng mahalaga para lng malaman nating may mas nakatataas,,,na may D'yos" How nostalgic those words were echoing in my ears as I look up to him on the altar saying. You still are almighty. (continuation...)
Melancholy ; a gloomy state of mind,depression; affected with, characterized by, or showing melancholy. Mournful, depressed, sadness.
Happy; delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person
Happy...'am I?...the irony of happiness mixed with melancholy. Years back when I was coming up with a catchy title to this journal of mine I had a hard time setting the mood. I was basing from my feelings at that time. Life was chaotic, confusing...a lot of bitterness. At one point I though it came to and end when she came into the picture... I was wrong. It was just the start of another painful chapter in my life. "why do we sacrifice?" "why do we need to get hurt?" "why can't you be mine?" so many questions clouding my frail thoughts.
Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all. No one ever cares to listen anyway. I tend to get too emotional. But still, I am here. little by little, drifting away once again.
Thank you, to the one person who never fails to see through my pail drama. You never get tired of reading through this bloody journal. Sometimes I think, you'll get to proofread my posts next time. (smile)
I guess all along I never got to let go...sad...pathetic truth.
Sometimes I tend to misjudge things, like someone's looks, first impression...attitude towards others. Personally yes, *yawn* well I've got pretty much nothing to write about. it's 4am and just scarfin' for ideas on what I could possibly blog out. It seems im having an interest for someone I never expected or naturally never entertained the thought of ever, and yet here I'am. Someone sent me a quote the other day stating "one of these days you'll find yourself falling for someone whom you always saw as just a normal person" and lo and behold. hahaha, I pretty much think about her as my "ate" haha but guess fate tend to be playful sometimes. More about her as time goes by. Hopefully I'd be lucky enough to actually get noticed. haha.
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