Melancholic Happiness

so what really is the point of a blog?

A blog (a contraction of the term "Web log") is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual ^[1], with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY...

Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries.

I've always saw my blog as my own personal online freedom wall...where I can say everything and anything I feel at that moment...be it sarcasm (my specialty) emotions, my happy thoughts and whatever.

hahaha yeah whatever...as if anybody does read my blogs.

blogspot, friendster blogs, blogger...yeah them...hahaha and while I do find time to browse through other people's online lives due to the inticity of the content but sometimes I do find them quite fabricated. (is anything else nowadays just a byproduct of commercialized media?) okay...so I'm just beating around the bush here I don't actually know where I'm going but one thing I did realize is...

"I guess I failed to see and realize you still have a life of your own and that stopping you is taking away your freedom. of course its wrong, and sometimes you do tend to get on my badside with your jealousy but hey, we both have our own lives...and well...learn. live. love."

To learn..to use both the mind and heart...to live with your freedom and the life God has given us...to love God's greatest gift...for us to share with others...with someone special...is it?

I may be wrong...pero siguro...baka hindi talaga ako ang hinahanap mo...baka hindi ako ang plano niya para sayo...

Only God will tell...

Kakatuwang isipin na ganitong feeling 'din ung mgakatrabaho ako the very first time around 4 years ago. yes it only proves matanda na ako, pwes bahala ka sa iisipin mo. Pero kakatawa lang na habang "ngttry kang iplease at pahangain ang isang tao" kaht gano mo kalupet pilitin tlgang sadyang walang kwenta ang effort mo compared sa totoong talent. shux..I could recall kung gano ko pinagpuyatan iedit at pgaralan lahat ng un sa net only to be taken forgranted ng isang tao...kakatawa...anong pakiramdam ng left out? ng "hindi kasali" ng outcast? ng OP...ngaun naiintindihan ko na kung ano naramdaman NYA nung mga oras na un...kung sino man ang mga tinutukoy ko't pinatatamaan...peace...everybody's entitled to freedom of speech...sorry na lang sa masasaktan. pero YOU DESERVE IT.

 Sa iba pa...well I m open to comments feedbacks and suggestions.

"It's the very same feeling a couple of years back that keeps me from coming back...I welcome emptiness. solitude is my companion." 

3:24 AM 8/8/2008

Dear Dad,

                I always wanted to write you a letter, ever since the days long gone. I know I need not be formal, nor be poetic...I’ll be myself for a change. WE always did address you as almighty, ever powerful, praiseworthy, omnipotent, but more importantly to me...you're the steward that continually guides me with every step I make upwards...each day, a step closer to contentment and peace. (15-20 minute pause) As I continue in writing, I know you brought eyes to lay witness to the act that was done, though I try to move away from it, yet it wasn't enough to completely abandon the deed. But with every instance, and every drop that lay waste, I try to focus and leave the sickness behind me. I believe that your help alone is not enough to make things go away. A strong will, focused mind, a heart with conviction & purity to name a few. I know I have a head start to everything but, I’ve always taken things at average. School, Work, Service in the community even myself to begin with. Isn’t it that you created us SPECIAL? Well, why is it that my trait is more of a curse than a gift? Right now, I don’t feel like writing any more, but for once…I’ll try to make things further. Dad, I’m sorry for being such a whiner. That I’m like this, that I’m not like that, why I didn’t get her as a girlfriend. I’m always so busy complaining, that I never had enough time to thank you for everything that you’ve given me. My family, the talents you gave me, my friends and my angel. For the colorful past that made me what & who I am today. Thanks dad for blessing me with a complete life. Thank you for setting my heart ABLAZE, truly it has been a really long time since we last spoke. I never realized after everything, you’re still there…waiting for me at the doorsteps…with open arms calling out my name. In response to your invitation I, together with my brothers and sisters with one heart raise our hands, our hopes and dreams, and commit ourselves in fulfillment of our cross-over. Today, I no longer, feel the feeling of nothingness…because you make all things new I’m reborn…free and empowered by your spirit. With you guidance, I set out to do your bidding, to set this world on fire in my own small, simple way. In your time let your will be done.

Your son,

John

“Take my dreams, come and give them wings…

Lord with you, there’s nothing I can not do

Nothing, I cannot do…”

crap...*whine* *yawn*...geez, after another grueling 16+ hours without sleep I finally got a long Sunday snooze, now my knee joints are hurting as hell, I don't know why, but every time I get to sleep well, I eventually find out in the morning that I'm hurting somewhere...my neck, my back...my...*toot*...Oh what the heck

To girlfriend or not to girlfriend...dang...sometimes I get the cold feeling that I'm freakin' single (Even though I Ain't) "So what's the point in all of this if you would NEVER change" "Would I be sorry?"

Oh well...*sigh*...guess you would always be you...I guess I'm a to soft of a boyfriend that I can't dare leave you...but of course it would be a different story for you right?...

"Nagbago ka na nga...hindi na ikaw ung J na minahal ko dati....at nakakalungkot isipin na ...hindi rin mgtatagal...matatapos din ang paghihirap nating dalawa...umaasa akong may magbabago pa...sana"

..."Magdamag mag-isa, umalis para lang malibang
Kunsabagay nasanay na rin ako sa kalungkutan
Pahintulot naman, sana ay wag ka ng maalala
Dahil ang totoo ako ay manhid na sa iyo

[Chorus]
Nakalimutan ko na ba magmahal
Ang kabiguan ko ba ang dahilan
Ilang ulit man na ako’y nasaktan
Ay di mawaglit kahit pa sandali

Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, walang nadatnang sinuman
Kaybilis pala ng oras at di ko na namalayan
May mga bagay na sadyang di ko na maunawaan
Ang huling paraan, talikuran ang nakaraan


[Bridge]
Pagkat ako katulad mo, nalulumbay din
At di lang maintindihan kung minsan
Wag nang ipakita pa itong pagluha
Ayoko man lumimot ay kailangan"...

T's been quite some time since I got back on the thinking chair to come up with yet another journal entry full of utter sarcasm and well, anything else you could possibly think of.  10 o' clock in the morning...more than 16+ hours without sleep...and loving it...and anyone notice that its ridiculously hot? *wink* So aside from the sleepless nights spent in non-stop gaming, the hopeless job-hunting spree, and the "never been better love life", everything else has been intact...

A.  *F*  yes the community where I spent 8 whole years of my teenage life, instead of being  involved in anything else, I chose to join a delightful bunch of happy goers, that started with a 3 day camp sometime in may of '99 and composed of but a handful of TRUE leaders, and would also end in a camp held about 2 weeks ago, as of this writing.

 >>>Its but pitiful and pathetic that as of this writing I'm still sour graping over the loss of commitment, trust and of the true essence of being a servant.  "Andyan ako pag kailangan nyo ako, pero in times ng kasayahan, bonding and anything else...its as if di nyo ako kilala, and not even a single text message or invitation na...uy sama ka sa ganito ha?...PERO pagdating sa pangangailangan nyo, even to play a simple instrumental song, you'd simply yank me like a mere CD-Player to fulfill your hearts desire?...sad to say tao din naman ako...a past leader at that...pero what can I say, super ORO-CAN talaga kayo ...ang PLASTIK na WALASTIK...so?...with FAKE tears that you shed at prayers and worships...at your talks...I can only pray that may HE be the judge...and Good riddance.

There's not an ounce of regret that I feel, to have finally stepped out of your doors...

B. 060107 - Anniversary?...more of a death anniversary to me...after years of patiently hoping for things to change between us...I fear there is no more hope...for WE both know we gave our all...all that's left now?...is 7 more day to salivate and well...to bid our bitter goodbyes'...I'm still praying that things would go our way...Life sure would be hard...to go it alone...ang hrap isipin ng buhay n wala ka...pero...bakit walang ngbbgo?...mahal mo ko...at alam mong mahal kita...pero sunod2 na away at problema...kaya mo pa ba?...minsan ba naisip mo..."Ano kayang nararamdaman ni JEFF?"

C. My few Trustworthy friends

    Life would be hell without you guys,...Sab, Bam, Tom, Icing...really...the FEW...though we guys don't get to talk much...and it's sure as hell feels empty inside me..but where are you guys? those lonely wee hours in the morning would sure be great if you guys are here, to have laughing spree with and emo moments. Damn it! 

D. Jeff...I pray that may your soul rest thee in the damp soil 6 feet under, that your heart be taken out of your restless body, bloodied and lifeless, and that your soul be erased from existence to completely remove the void, to forget of all the pain...to fade into nothingness...

E. To those people who even care

   I' am a wondering soul...in search of peace...of happiness of contentment...of people who would appreciate me for what I' am and not take me forgranted...

I'm tired...tired...dry...hot...I want to disappear... 

    "Devils never Cry..."